A good day at the races for the Doctors

On an afternoon dominated by the spine-tingling throbbing whizz of WWII plane engines slicing through cumulonimbus and stratocumulus on their way to Dunsfold, the Doctors embarked on their antepenultimate game of the season opting to wield willow first.

So far this season, the 2s batting has been the equivalent of the Environment Agency turning up at the Somerset Levels to tackle last Winter’s record-setting floods – with a lorry load of Imperial Leather talcum powder. That was, until a masterstroke by skipper Dogger a couple of weeks ago. He elevated stalwart No.10 James ‘Leslie’ Crowther to the other end of the order. This was clearly a desperate attempt to blatantly distract the opposition bowlers with a preposterously unnecessary woolly headband. That strategy, and indeed, fashion coup, paid immediate dividends with Ham-és Crowder delivering a brace of bullseyes.

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Crowther: You cannot be serious

Kempton started economically enough. Os departed caught behind after flailing at a wide to bring long handle purveyor and new Audi owner Hale to the chain. As if in advanced honour to Dickie Attenborough (RIP) and notably The Great Escape, their treatment of the ball evoked images of Donald Pleasance trying to disguise his poor visual acuity in seeking out a pin in his PoW camp mess. Basically, they couldn’t pick it up.

Hale had mustered 21 when he was bowled by Patel. That brought to the crease one of the Somerset landlord twins – Dom ‘Gooner’ Coakley. Dominic must have been studying the current Arsenal squad list because he commenced with tears in his eyes. A much needed partnership of 47 between Crowther and Dom yielded 47 runs for the headbanded one. When Coakley eventually Chinese cut one on the 45°, the crowd went up like Krakatoa. East of Java.

Hawaiian Tropic Hanso replaced McEnroe (an excellent 56) but only reached 7 before being triggered LBW. At 94-5, the Ming looked more vulnerable than Cliff Richard’s next record deal.

The midweek cricket website had reminded next batter Hainemaker that his highest score of the season was a measly 6. This clearly inspired him to punch into gaps and they gained useful momentum, partnering for 27. Haino’s blast was curtailed by a good catch in the deep by the laconic Martin, off the slow bowling of Penfold (off of Dangermouse) for 21. Francis had been acting like a whirling dervish all day, preparing a quality tea, putting out boundary markers, painting and moving the sight-screens and his trip to the middle was equally rapid. A vicious inswinging full toss opening up the door for membership of the Primary Club.

Despite the regular loss of wickets, the innings started to resemble the famous fable about the hare and the tortoise – or, for parents reading this – Edward the locomotive’s improbable victory over the shiny braggart Spencer in the race around Sodor Island in the Thomas the Tank Engine compendium. Coaks contributed a gritty 30. Late in from a bout of high-level dogging an über-early shift at work, Wrighty’s quickfire 23 combined with Ol-eChimney Horne’s 19, including a sublimely effortless cover drive. This all helped our score creep onwards and upwards.

…And what a lovely moment for sole spectator Nick Horne. I’m not referring to the smile on his face upon introduction to the Taylor Swift pictorial in the Guardian supplement, but witnessing his two sons batting in unison on the strip. After a sluggish start, the Desmond’s had managed to accumulate 208 – 9 off the 50, surprisingly the season’s highest. It must have been a dagger in the heart for the Kemptonians who had seemed to have the upper hand for two-thirds of our innings but had let slip 32 extras.

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Swift Fan Club: New member

In the corresponding fixture at Kempton, the Mingers has conspired to let victory slip through their fingers, both metaphorically and physically. Today, we were determined to bag the points, and in so doing ensure league safety beyond what was still a mathematical nightmare outcome.

Oli H struck first, bowling towards the John ‘Thatcher4Eva’ Dukes End, bowling the dangerous Sethi for 7. Blogger took the next wicket accounting for Singh with a dogball that caught a leading edge to Crowder at mid-wicket. 15-2 off six overs. The Mingville looking confident.

Kempton’s keeper Warne, R. has a majestic sythe through the on side and dispatched any ball short of a length in that direction. He moved on quickly while Lee – at the other end – struggled to even turn his light sabre on. He was trapped LBW by Horne-O for 13. South African Russell ‘Uppa?’ Joynt came in at No.5 and was different league. He hit each of Jamie’s first three balls for four, in a puff of smoke. Merciless blifting. What an eye.

From 43-3 in the 11th over, Kempton swashbuckled it through to 100 in the 19th over. Suddenly the Mingsters were being undone faster than Rita Ora’s drawers after a night at the Chiltern Firehouse. The tide was turning in the direction of the more northern Surrey team.

The breakthrough came from our resident numismatist Carsten tempting skipper Warne for 38 – the catch from brother Oli. Nick looked happy, lit up a cigar and winked, yes I said winked, at the coverpic of Taylor again. 117-4 in the 21st, only 92 to win with six wickets remaining in 29 overs. Delicately balanced.

Joynt continued to blunt the attack and reached 69 (off 46 balls) despite slowing. Then Crowther struck, the ball dragging, the South African taking a hit, right in front, as the finger went right up. Potential game changer!

Singh (2) went next, Os snaffling a catch off Crowder. Welegadara, on the other hand, proved difficult to dislodge and the robust Martin at the other end looked strong on the on side creaming a few boundaries. In riposte, Frojo was fizzing a few through to Hanso in the gloves. The score had reached 149 when Jamie came back on to bowl, having recalibrated his magic torch. He smacked the bail off the top of Martin’s (28) leg stump and then, Penfold Warne Snr, who usually shuts-up-shop so effectively, LBW for a quacker. This was looking ‘on’ altho Kempton were already at 189-8 in the 42nd. Jamie’s second to sixth overs went for less than his first three balls of over #1. He finished with decent figures of 6-3-20-2.

Ironically, now light was a factor. Crowther called for a Miner’s Helmet. A few of the senior fieldsmen tried very hard at this point to not tee-up any more Cliff Richard gags.

With the away team’s score at 192 and the bench somewhat optimistically screaming for a second run, Jamie-Mac returned a firework throw from deep third man. Keeper Hanson rose like a tanned Godzilla to catch the ball and run out Patel. Doo-wop. Godalming peckers were up again.

In an attempt to deny the batsmen any further advantage at the death, skipper Wrighty’s bowling changes were coming thick and fast. Dom Coaks bowled a side-splitting three balls. Literally. Nurse! Eighth choice bowler Hale-all-Pace completed the over.

The last chapter of the game was interesting. The senior statesman of the visitors – Crossley – came in at No.11 bedecked in all the gear including brimmed boater, Ron Atkinson sunglasses and an attitude to match his first syllable. He hit a glorious swipe on the leg side for 4 then berated Alan for not being consistent with wides. But more than that, every shot he – or indeed Welegadara – played was met with a volley of abuse for the incumbent batsman, who had toiled hard. He was suddenly expected to run at speeds of Mach 2.0 to complete impossible runs and invariably shouted at in as condescending a manner as we’ve heard on a cricket pitch. Clearly unsettled, if not bullied, Welly rightly went for broke and tried to loft one over the ring fir the first time. Instead it went into the stratosphere off Hale but another of the four C.H.s on the pitch – Haine – was under it. There was time to think about the away leg. The ground fell silent. Time stood still. The quarter to eight clock chimed. The catch was made. Kempton all out for 198, just shy of Godalming’s season’s best.